Gene has come to understand that acceptance of what can't be changed creates a new-found sense of peace. His wife, Wendy, has adjusted so much to his shiftwork that she calls it, "a way of life. I never really thought much of how it should be different because it is just the way it is."

Wendy's support for her husband comes from sharing her husband's acceptance of their mutual lifestyle. Gene is fortunate to have his wife's support. "My spouse just doesn't get it," is a frequent comment from shiftworkers in training classes. A variation of this isolation theme is " 'Days' doesn't get it."

Sometimes support is most available from those who, like you, are sharing this shiftwork reality. When you interact with your shift or crew, you know that, "they get it." Sometimes it is easier to associate with peers who don't need reminding that you sleep during the day and work at night. This "second family" is best described by Gene Cichon, who says, "Going to work for me is like going to a different family (with 5 people on a shift) and having to deal with their moods and quirks."

Perceptions are a major factor in positive lifestyle adjustment. A shiftworker trainee from a major broadcasting company in Long Island, New York has difficulty with others who don't understand her 12-hour night schedule. Recently a friend incredulously asked, "Oh ,you have to work on Christmas?" Her quick-draw reply was, "Do you watch TV on Christmas?" Educating gently -- and sometimes not-so-gently -- helps shiftworkers display a healthy attitude that validates the shiftworking lifestyle. 

In the thirty-five years of working with diesel mechanics, judges, janitors, engineers, sales people, brokers, teachers, food inspectors, federal bureaucrats, computer-fixers, bankers, factory workers, software developers, and executive of all sizes and stripes, I am delighted to report that the approach that is based on the fact that people are human is usually the most efficient, the most effective, and the most profitable. The approach that focuses on being efficient, effective and profitable usually stumbles over the fact the people are human.

:-)

Dr. Pauline Boss, professor of Family Science at the University of Minnesota, says, "Having a guilty parent is not good for a kid.  If the parent works a shift that requires frequent or routine absence from kids and feels guilty about not being home for meals and school events or homework, the kids will pick up their mood and take it on as their own. Guilt, depression and anxiety are all picked up by the kids."

Dr. Boss suggests that parents replace a preoccupation on "what they didn't do" with a sense of accomplishment for the work they do.  Her suggestion is that earning a living need not be a source of guilt since working is both necessary and good. She cites the example of military families in which children may not see Mom or Dad for an extended period of time.  "However," she adds, "kids and spouse need to be in the loop of love and relationship-building.  In your absence, it is good to leave some symbols of your presence for the like notes, video-taped messages, phone memos, photos or special treats."

Ever-popular reruns of 50's television families create an image of stay-at-home Mom, meals eaten together around the family table and flawless parenting.  Families in the 90"s have a new template that no longer fits an Ozzie and Harriet era.  Dr. Boss finds that society still holds the expectation of families fitting the outdated 50's model instead of putting value on the family as it exists today.  "Often we hear the echo of our parents, society or religion, that we come to believe is our own voice, telling us that our patterns of presence are not adequate.  The first thing you need to do is know there are a variety of ways to be normal.  If you are earning money   for your family, that is normal in our culture.  If you are working nights to earn your money, then that's normal."

When shiftworkers hear the message from society, family, friends or religion that their lifestyle is abnormal, Dr. Boss advises, "Be like Teflon.  Let the comment slide off of you.  Be in control of you own actions.  You can't be in control of anyone else's comments  ... for example, the relative who asks why you sleep all day. You are in control of whether of not you answer the phone during the day, go to the ball game at night or eat dinner with your family or friends. At work, it would be incompetent to not answer the phone, but to answer the phone when you are day sleeping is also incompetent." 

Letting go of guilt means bypassing efforts to please relatives and neighbors.   You no longer need to extend energy in trying to imitate  their daywork lifestyle.  Even so, Dr. Boss says, "You have to keep protecting your children and build strong relationships with your spouse or friends."

Building relationships with spouse requires making room for intimacy and again, getting beyond feeling guilty about out the hours you can't be together. "This take planning," says Dr. Boss. "Put your time together on the calendar.  Get away together, and enjoy your relationships."

In the  crunch of time allotted shiftworking families, there's not a minute to spare for feeling guilty.  Instead, fill your time with a new attitude suggested by Dr. Boss:  "You are wonderful.  You have done nothing wrong.   Celebrate who you are."

Not knowing how I would adjust, I consulted Janie O’Connor, president of INTERFACE: Work/Family and specialist in issues of shiftwork. I wanted to talk to her before the night shift started. She gave me a pep talk and some good strategies for making it through the night. I strictly disciplined myself to follow all her suggestions, but now I cheat a lot. I used to protect my sleep to get 8 hours during the day. I ate only carbohydrates before bed and protein before my shift. The reality of life is that you need the discipline but also must be flexible. My boyfriend, who used to come over after his classes at 4:30 p.m. now must call first. Actually, my other friends stopped calling me because they didn't’t know if I was sleeping. So I say to them, ‘No, no no! You can call because I can’t hear the phone, but your message will go to voice mail, and I will call you back.’ People think I sleep the whole day. I say, "No, no no! I am awake the same hours that you are after you come home from work. I go to work when you go to sleep.’ I must explain this all the time. I have always felt a little bit different, so working nights and having to tell people the same thing over and over is actually okay with me.

I have trained my body functions to operate on a shift schedule also. When I get up from sleep to go to the bathroom, I keep my eyes closed so the light doesn't come in and cause me to be alert. I quit drinking liquid at 3 a.m. which has greatly reduced my bathroom break during sleep."

Third shift foreperson, Ed Hooper (Douglas Machine, Alexandria, Minnesota) credits Shiftwork: Train-The-Trainer for showing him that he doesn't have to believe commonly held assumptions about the 3rd shift.  Ed says, "There are some things you don't have to accept.  Something can be done about it. You can make the best of the situation."

Hooper's philosophy reflects a balance between acceptance of shiftwork realities and affecting change, when possible.  Third shifters who are flexible in their social and family affairs often report a satisfactory and healthy lifestyle.   They also stray from the norm and don't necessarily conform to the established way of doing things. Some 2nd or 3rd shifters have asked school officials for customized time for conferences to accommodate them and have been granted this exception.  A group of rotators from a 24-hour utility in Northern Minnesota convinced a local grocery store owner to stay open until after their 2nd shift; and he did.

Accepting "days"as the only way to live healthily is unhealthy. Become proactive and guard against the noise and distraction of daytime activities. Talk to your neighbor about their lawnmower, snowmobile or barking dog. Be assertive with your family when it comes to interruptions in daytime sleep, ringing telephones, or other's expectations for your daytime (sleeptime) activities. The key to having your needs met is effective communication and a willingness to find a consensual. . .  "can we live with it?" solution.